


Like Broken Glass

by nothingisreal



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, F/M, First War with Voldemort, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Minor Character Death, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:47:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24224548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nothingisreal/pseuds/nothingisreal
Summary: Remus had learnt as a child that the world was a cruel place and that the best he could hope for was to survive and keep going, month by month, no matter how hard it may be. But then the letter came, despite everything, and suddenly there was a place he could call his home. It meant that he wasn't alone anymore, that there were people who'd have his back, no matter what. It did not mean that his life had become easy.
Relationships: Lily Evans Potter & Severus Snape, Remus Lupin/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & James Potter
Comments: 12
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is hardly a good excuse by now but English isn't my first language, so if you spot any missing (or superfluous) articles, misused tenses, butchered syntax, or any other mistakes, do let me know (but keep in mind that I'm using British English).  
> Fair warning - this is a work in progress and I will do my best to finish it but I don't know how long it will take, how many chapters there will be or even where exactly I'm going with it, but you're most welcome to go ahead and start reading now. However, if you want to read it but are anything like me and can't deal with unfinished fics, you may be better off waiting until it's complete or at least until there's an end in sight.  
> I haven't rated it because I'm not sure what is going to happen yet, but knowing my track record it will probably end up somewhere in the vicinity of Mature/Explicit. I'll add more tags as I go along. It's written from Remus's POV (in third person), so expect a note of melancholy and mild (and not so mild at all) angst woven throughout the whole thing. It's not a very happy fic, which doesn't mean that there are no happy moments. But if you've read the books or seen the films, you know Remus and you know that it's rather difficult to avoid angst where he's involved.  
> One last thing, I read (some of) the books two years ago but, apart from that, it's been years since I've last read the whole series. I have done my research, so hopefully most of the facts are correct but I may have also bent the canon a bit to suit my needs. In other words, the inaccuracies may or may not be intentional but if they're jarring, you can obviously point them out, so that I can fix them or at least know better next time.

There was absolutely nothing unusual about the Lupin family. They weren’t rich like the Malfoys nor obsessed with pure blood like the Blacks. They didn’t even have any particular trait that would make them stand out from other wizarding families, like the Weasleys’ ginger hair. They were perfectly ordinary and didn’t really care either way. 

So nobody blinked an eye when one Christmas Lyall Lupin brought a Muggle girl home, a pretty little thing named Hope with cloudy green eyes which were wide with wonder as she stared around the strange house, and announced he was going to marry her. The wedding itself was rather uneventful too. The bride had a modest ivory gown and flushed cheeks as she smiled, reaching for her husband’s hand. 

They had a son a year later. And maybe that was the point at which their lives changed more than they could have imagined but they didn’t quite know that yet. But suddenly there was something very dear to Lyall, something he couldn’t live without even more so than without his beloved wife. The little boy meant everything to both of them. And it was only too easy to take him away. All it took was one ill-timed comment and their perfectly boring life was crumbling down before they could realise what was happening. 

Looking back, Remus didn’t really remember what had happened. Only fragments, some vague memories which could just as well have been pieces of his feverish dreams. It would be silly to expect a five-year-old to fully comprehend the situation, the meaning of it all. And it was probably better that way. 

He did remember the pain. Blinding white pain spreading through his whole body, making him wish he was dead. And his mother’s gentle, soft hands touching his too-warm, too-moist forehead and tenderly pushing his hair back. Later he wondered if maybe that was what had kept him from losing his mind - his mum’s touch and the fruity smell of her perfume which seemed almost unreal. But then,  _ everything _ seemed unreal.

He might have been running a fever, he certainly could recall shivering and the cold, sticky sweat covering his whole body, making his clothes cling to his skin unpleasantly. He couldn’t tell if he was asleep or awake, the dreams flowed into reality and reality into dreams. It took a month before he was strong enough to get up, even if only for a very short time.

Back then he didn’t realise but as he grew up it got so obvious how much his father was blaming himself for what had happened. He tried everything. Remus stopped believing there was a cure for him the day he turned six. But his father refused to admit it and, even as a kid, Remus knew better than to try to convince him otherwise. Hope was precious and he would never convince his father to give it up, no matter how disillusioned he himself had become. 

It was at that time that his mother started getting sick. Just headaches and dizzy spells at first, so easy to write off as concern for her only child. Later, Remus would often wonder what would have happened if she had taken those ailments more seriously, if she had asked for help. But it was too painful to think about and he didn’t have the power to change the past. So eventually he learnt not to quell himself with those musings.

The physical pain and the stabbing guilt he felt at knowing he was hurting his parents (even though  _ logically _ he knew it wasn’t his fault in any way but logic wasn’t very convincing in that situation) was awful. But it wasn’t the worst he had to suffer through. The loneliness was killing him. The knowledge that he’d never get to have a normal life. He’d never go to Hogwarts. He’d never have a best friend. He’d never know what it was like to have a  _ girlfriend _ , to be in love with a girl and to have her love him back. To hold her hand and carry her books and have someone to care for. 

Maybe it was a silly thing to worry about for a ten-year-old but he had been forced to grow up quicker than he would have liked to. The rest of his life looked bleak, an unbearably long, dark tunnel with no exit. But he’d never have the courage to think about ending it all prematurely, no matter how miserable he was. Whenever the thought flashed across his mind, the image of his mother’s face, grief-stricken and wet with tears as she stood over her only child’s grave was more than enough to keep such ideas out of his head.

By his tenth birthday, he had long lost count of how many times they’d moved. They never stayed in one place for long. Because of him. As soon as he thought that maybe this was it, maybe this village would be the one in which they could finally stay for good and he could get to know the place a little bit better, someone would grow suspicious and they’d be forced to move again. There was no place he could truly call his home, they all blended into one another in his mind. He couldn’t remember which little town had the park with the beautiful fountain and which one the library where his father took him when he discovered his son’s passion for books. 

They helped him forget. All he had to do was open one and then he’d be transported to a different world, a better life. He could do anything he wanted, be anything he wanted. Most of them were Muggle stories, because then he could just pretend he was someone else. His mother knew some of them and she’d tell him about evil witches living in cottages made of gingerbread and fairy godmothers changing pumpkins into beautiful coaches. Those were his favourites, maybe because this was something the two of them could share, like a little secret only they knew. It helped him feel less lonely in this world which had already proven to be cruel and unfair. 

Then Dumbledore appeared. 

Remus was sitting cross-legged on his bed,  _ Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland _ opened in his lap, even though he already knew the story by heart, when he heard noises at the front of the house. He knew the tone his father was using, the one when he desperately wanted to stay polite and calm but was boiling with rage. There were the light steps of his mother hurrying to the door and then he couldn’t fight the curiosity any longer.

His sock-covered feet didn’t make any noise as he carefully neared the door, listening for any commotion outside. He opened the door, holding his breath and praying they wouldn’t creak. They didn’t. He only managed to catch a glimpse of an elderly wizard with a kind face before his father slammed the front door shut. Remus tried to understand why as he cautiously made his way back to his bed. The man didn’t look like someone in whose face you’d want to slam doors. 

Maybe five minutes passed before he heard noises again. Closer this time. Remus assumed the guest had been let in and was being led to the sitting room. What he didn’t expect was to hear his father’s voice calling his name. He didn’t move. His curiosity was strong but the sudden anxiety squeezing his guts was stronger. He waited until there was a soft knock on the door, which opened a second later, his mother’s pale face appearing in the crack. She had a strange expression, one Remus had never seen before and couldn’t name. All he knew was that her eyes were worryingly bright and she was whiter than usually but her cheeks were so red it looked like she was running a fever.

“Remus,” the wizard said, smiling at him with a twinkle in his eye, when he saw the little boy half-hiding behind his mother. “I’ve heard that you’d like to go to Hogwarts.”

Remus looked up at his mother’s face uncertainly, his fingers squeezing around her thin hand. He waited for some sign but only got a timid smile which for once he didn’t know the meaning of. So he turned back to the man, letting go of his mother’s hand and stepping forward, shoulders squared. “Who are you?” He asked instead of answering the question.

The wizard laughed. “I’m sorry,” he said, “how rude of me.” He got up and stepped towards Remus, extending his hand with a friendly smile. “I’m Albus Dumbledore.” 

Remus stared at the outstretched hand for too long, not believing it was happening. Then he shook it, allowing himself a small smile. “I can’t go to Hogwarts,” he mumbled. He hoped he wouldn’t be asked the reason. He wasn’t supposed to talk about it. 

But Dumbledore shook his head. “That’s not what I asked.”

Remus bit his lip and took a deep breath. “I want to go to Hogwarts,” he said, louder and surer than he thought he could. “Very much.”

“In that case, we shall see each other again in September.” There was a faint question mark at the end of the sentence, as Dumbledore glanced towards Remus’s father but Remus could tell that the matter was settled and the decision final. 

And that was the moment - the first time Remus got something he wanted more than anything in the world but was sure could never have.

***

He almost regretted it.  _ Almost _ . But standing on that platform, even with his father’s reassuring hand on his shoulder and the proud glint in his eyes when he looked at Remus, was terrifying. There were so many ways this could all go horribly wrong and Remus didn’t even want to imagine them. But the pictures played through his mind and he could do nothing to stop them. Someone finding out he was a werewolf - for someone was bound to, he knew that perfectly well from the last six years of constantly moving from town to town because someone was getting too close for comfort. Being alone. He’d spent his whole life being alone and could hardly bear it. But being alone in a crowd of people somehow seemed worse. It was one thing to only have characters from books for company and something completely different to be surrounded by people having fun together and not being able to join in. And his mother wouldn’t be there, her weak but steady heartbeat right beneath his ear and her gentle hands at the nape of his neck. He would be truly alone. 

Then it was time to get on the train and Remus’s stomach was doing somersaults in a way which convinced him he would have puked if he had eaten anything that day. Or the day before. As it was all he did was hold onto the doorframe a little bit too tightly as he walked up the steps. He watched his father watching him with that expression he’d been wearing so often lately - half pride, half concern, with more than a little disbelief sprinkled on top because apparently he still hadn’t come to terms with his son going away to Hogwarts. 

That was okay, though. Remus was sure he himself would spend the next seven years wondering if it wasn’t just some elaborate, exceptionally vivid dream.

Someone bumped into him and he realised he was still standing in the corridor, staring out of the window blankly, lost in thoughts. He opened the first door he came across and found himself in an empty carriage. Not the bravest way to start his year and he knew that but it was hard to be brave when his knees felt like jelly. This wasn’t the right time to be bold and go make friends. And yes, he knew he was making excuses but it was more difficult to break the comforting bubble he’d been living in for so long and see what the world around him was like.

Some older students stumbled into the carriage after a while - just two of them but to Remus it felt like he suddenly found himself in the middle of a large crowd. They took no notice of him, other than when one of them sent a reassuring smile his way, so he relaxed again. He got used to them being there, to the point where they became something like statues to him. Which was the main reason why he jumped a foot into the air when one of them suddenly decided to address him directly.

“We’ve almost reached Hogwarts,” he said, the one with longish dark hair and shirt which probably cost more than Remus’s entire wardrobe. “What’s your name?”

It took a second before Remus was able to swallow the lump in his throat and say something. “Remus,” he said, voice shaking too much for his liking, “Remus Lupin.”

“I’m Will and this is Paul.” He nodded towards the blond guy who looked like he’d dressed in the dark that morning. The contrast between the pair was mind-blowing but they seemed to be friends anyway. “I know it’s nerve-wracking,” he said with a shrug. “You come from a wizarding family?”

Remus nodded slowly, resisting the urge to pinch himself. “My dad’s a wizard.”

“At least you knew what was going on,” Will said with a laugh. “My parents are Muggles. I still regret not seeing my own face when I realised the letter wasn’t a joke.”

“I’d never regret not seeing your face,” the one introduced as Paul suddenly quipped in, sticking his tongue out. “It’s quite ugly.”

Remus was startled to find that the laughter came out of his own mouth.. 

Will rolled his eyes, visibly unphased, and got up. “We should get changed. We can’t be more than ten minutes from Hogwarts.”

Remus thanked every god he knew that he’d had the good sense to put on his school shirt and trousers that morning. There were scars on his body and he wasn’t ashamed as much as simply knew there’d be bound to be questions. All he had to do was pull on his robes and then he was free to watch Paul trying (and failing miserably) to tie the emerald piece of fabric around his neck. 

“Dammit, it’s been four years and you still can’t tie your tie properly.” Will laughed, showing no obvious intention to help his friend. He caught Remus staring at the snake emblem on his robe and chuckled again. “Not a fan of Slytherin?” He asked but there was no malice in his voice.

Remus opened his mouth, his cheeks heating up instantly. “It’s just… I’m just nervous.”

Will smiled reassuringly again. “It’ll be fine. Wherever you end up, you’ll be just  _ fine _ . Trust me. I was literally shaking before the ceremony.” He rubbed the back of his neck and shrugged. “It’s really not that scary once you get there.”

Remus smiled back, genuinely feeling slightly better. “Thanks,” he muttered as the train slowly rolled to a stop. 

“If you ever need anything, we’ll be happy to help,” Paul said on his way out. It sounded truthful enough, not like he was simply trying to be polite and Remus was glad to find he had started breathing normally again.

***

“ _ Gryffindor _ !” 

On his way down, Remus looked over to the Slytherin table and saw Will and Paul grinning at him and giving him thumbs up. Then he was pulled down to sit and seeing so many faces grinning at him and welcoming him like he was their good friend made him feel ill-at-ease. The stubborn thought appeared but he pushed it away forcefully - the familiar  _ they’d feel differently if they knew the truth _ \- and decided not to let anything get him down at least until the next day.

Most of all, he was glad to have the sorting behind him. He had walked up to the stool, feeling cold sweat breaking on the back of his neck. And then the voice which sounded like it was  _ in his head _ .

“ _ You’re bright… Very bright. Ravenclaw would be happy to have you _ .” The short pause made Remus feel like his heart had risen to his throat. “ _ And you appreciate hard work… Maybe…  _ Oh…” Remus held his breath as he waited to find out if it had been a good or a bad  _ oh _ . “ _ Oh but it’s so obvious. Yes. you’re perfect for it _ .” 

And then there was applause and it took Remus a moment to realise what had happened. But now, sitting at the table, he could  _ feel _ someone staring at him. He turned his head to the teachers’ table and his eyes met the steely blue of Dumbledore’s. The headmaster gave him a nod and a soft smile, and it felt almost like his mum’s hug after a hard night, like being wrapped up in a blanket and held close for hours until he’d stopped shaking and drifted off to restless sleep.

_ I’m home. _

***

“We should be friends,” the boy with dark hair and grey eyes announced before the dormitory door could even close behind the group of them. 

Remus didn’t need to ask his name to know who he was.  _ Sirius Black _ . His ears were still ringing after his sorting. First it got awfully quiet, so quiet Remus could hear Sirius’s steps on the cold stone. And then it was like an explosion. Everyone started talking at once, shouting over each other. McGonagall was just standing there, staring at the students with wide eyes, as if the reality of the situation hadn’t sunk in yet. Dumbledore had to stand up and raise his voice before everyone calmed down.

“We  _ will _ be friends, you mean,” the other one corrected him, adjusting the glasses which were falling down his nose. “I’m James,” he said, grinning at Remus.

“Sirius. If by some miracle you’ve managed to forget.” The grimace which appeared on his face told Remus everything he needed to know about how Sirius felt about what had happened.

“I’m Peter,” the short, chubby boy spoke up suddenly from where he had made himself comfortable on one of the beds. Remus thought it might have been the first thing he’d said.

“Remus,” he said, looking around to once again see the smiling faces of his new…  _ friends _ ?

“We should get to know each other,” James decided, sitting down on the floor right where he was standing and tugging at Sirius’s sleeve to pull him down. Remus followed without anyone asking him too and after a moment Peter joined them. 

“Peter,” James said with a wide grin. He ignored the startled look on the blond’s face. “What’s your favourite quidditch team?”

Peter opened and closed his mouth a couple of times. James waited patiently, only raising one eyebrow to show surprise. “I don’t really like quidditch,” he mumbled, his cheeks turning a bright shade of crimson.

James blinked several times, lips parted as if his brain struggled to process the information.

“What?” He exclaimed at the same time Sirius did. They turned to look at each other, corners of their mouths raising slowly until they were grinning, talking about quidditch teams at such speed Remus could only catch single words, and it was at that moment that he started believing they really could become good friends. 

***

For a long while it was his biggest fear that they would find out about his secret. With the way he disappeared every month, he had a feeling everyone could tell what was really going on. Each time the full moon got closer, Remus’s mind was filled with visions of being left completely alone and getting kicked out of school and the look of disappointment on his father’s face as he picked him up from King’s Cross…

Then they found out and Remus realised he had been an idiot. It was maybe the best thing that could have happened to him. Almost accidently, he finally grasped the idea that they were his  _ friends _ . They wouldn’t disappear into thin air, wouldn’t abandon him. They had his back and that was something Remus thought he’d never get to experience.

That was their second year and since then Remus felt lighter. Life wasn’t being easy on him and he doubted it ever could but it was okay now. Because he could try to get rid of those three morons (he had done just that actually, spending countless nights crying himself to sleep but convinced it was better for them) but he’d never succeed. He was stuck with them and it made him so breathtakingly relieved he could sing from joy.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may have noticed that I've changed the rating and added some more tags, but it's going to be a while before it becomes relevant. I'm also trying to decide if I should tag more relationships (most notably James/Lily), even if most of them (at least at this point) are implied, one-side, or both.  
> This one's a bit happier, I think! (But there are angsty bits, too.)

Remus didn’t have a lot of friends, which made him all the more grateful for the ones he did have and who he knew would stick by his side, no matter how horribly wrong life would go. Three friends was three more than he had ever expected and he didn’t need any more. It was like their own little bubble, the four of them united against whatever came their way. 

Then in the fourth year something odd started to happen. Years later, Remus could still recall, in technicolour detail, the day it began. It was a normal enough evening, they were sitting together in the Great Hall, exhausted but excited for the weekend which had just begun (well, for him at least, Sirius had earned himself a detention to look forward to later that night). Then one girl, whom Remus knew from their Potions classes with Ravenclaw, leaned on the table right beside Sirius, her long brown hair barely escaping being dunked in startled Peter’s raspberry porridge, and smiled at him sweetly. 

Remus never managed to figure out if Sirius truly regretted not being able to join her in the library or if he was just being nice. He strongly suspected it was the latter. What nobody expected was for James to float into their shared dormitory several days later and announce that he was now dating her. After that, Remus became increasingly aware of girls and the way they were staring at two of his friends. Sirius never seemed to truly care but that didn’t stop him from going out on dates, especially double-dates with James, but, to Remus’s knowledge, no girl ever made it to date number two. 

With two of his friends busy with their new _pastime_ , Remus and Peter were left to their own devices, which usually meant hours surrounded by books. Peter’s grades were definitely improving, thanks to Sirius and James not being there most of the time, but even Remus could tell it was getting silly. There was only so much time he could spend in the library without feeling like he was about to start climbing the walls if that was what it took to alleviate the overwhelming boredom.

So when one day Peter managed to almost explode himself before the class could even properly begin (Potions was _really_ not his subject), and Slughorn decided to pair them up, so they could work on their teamwork skills (Remus suspected that in truth he simply did not have enough ingredients for all of them), Remus was left on his own. Of course, both Sirius and James offered to join him but he shrugged them off because really, it was fine. 

The last thing he expected was for Lily Evans to slide up to him with an uncertain smile. 

“Mind if I join you?” 

Remus nodded towards the empty space beside him, even as his heart skipped a beat. It wasn’t Lily herself as much as Lily’s incredible skills. She was easily one of the best in their year, coming second only to Severus Snape which Remus could admit because his friends’ irrational dislike for the guy did not change facts, and Remus was mediocre at best. He did not blow himself up the way Peter tended to do every now and then but he couldn’t hold a candle to either of them. He didn’t like the thought of Lily getting a worse grade than she deserved because of him or, what might be even worse, doing all the work.

He expected Lily to be fully focused on the potion, so he was all the more startled when she suddenly spoke up. 

“I hope your mum’s feeling better,” she said, throwing some chopped peppermint leaves into the cauldron. 

Remus froze, blinking at the dragon heart on the table in front of him, as if it held all the answers. That was the lie they told to explain why he disappeared every month. A lie made all the more powerful by how it wasn’t a lie at all. For one long, heartstopping moment he wondered if she’d figured it out and was about to… do what exactly? He didn’t know but he wasn’t prepared for someone finding out. 

He must have looked terrified because Lily took one look at his face and hurried to explain herself. 

“Sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have said that-”

“It’s alright,” Remus said, the first time he spoke since Lily had offered to be his partner. “I’m just surprised you know.”

Lily shrugged and gave him an almost apologetic smile. “I overheard Black and Potter telling somebody off for being nasty.” 

Remus smiled, looking up at his friends’ backs. They were huddled around the cauldron which was beginning to give off disconcerting fumes the colour of rotten vegetables. He looked back at Lily to find her watching him. 

“They’re not going to blow us all up, are they?” He asked, for lack of anything better to say. 

“Nah,” Lily decided, after giving the smoke a brief glance. “Mind you that Calming Draught won’t be very calming at all,” she added, crossing her arms on her chest, and the tone of her voice combined with the put off expression on her face made Remus snort. 

Lily looked back at him and grinned. 

“You should smile more often,” she said, bending over the cutting board. “It suits you.”

***

He wouldn’t call the two of them _friends_ exactly. Study partners maybe? As he found himself being paired up with Lily increasingly often, it quickly became apparent that her skills when it came to brewing potions surpassed Remus’s by a wide margin. It seemed the only natural conclusion that they should find themselves in the library after one such class, pieces of parchment littering the table, as Lily patiently explained why certain ingredients just _worked_ together and why it was a terrible idea to be anything less than precise when measuring ingredients. 

With James and Sirius still focused on their newly-found, albeit now slowly waning, enthusiasm for the opposite sex, and Peter sick of studying what felt like all day every day (not that Remus could blame him), Remus truly had nothing better to do. And Lily was lovely, spending time with her was hardly a chore, even if they were always surrounded by stacks of books or various animals’ internal organs. They did talk about other things but Remus had the impression that they were both trying not to delve too deep, as if there was some unspoken boundary they might cross, which would make this burgeoning friendship implode quicker than Sirius’s cauldron that time he got his spells mixed up. 

By April of their fourth year, James seemed to have lost interest in dating anything that had breasts and wasn’t outright rejecting his advances. His sudden indifference led to Sirius seemingly giving up on dating altogether (Remus had always suspected that the only reason he ever started was because he still wanted to spend most of his time with James). Peter was relieved to finally have something better to do than lie around all day and wait for something interesting to happen and Remus… Remus was embarrassed to admit that he hadn’t noticed.

At that time, he was spending most of the time in the library or the girls’ bathroom - this one took some convincing but when Lily repeatedly assured him that no one ever went there (Remus soon found out why), he finally relented - putting the theory into practice and brewing more potions than he thought possible. He still wasn’t exactly _good_ at it, definitely nowhere near as good as Lily, but he could now see how it could be enjoyable.

They weren’t working in groups that day, but Remus still noticed Lily’s absence. She never missed Potions. It was her favourite subject - not that she’d miss other classes - and so Remus couldn’t help but worry. He asked one of her friends about it, a thin blond who smiled at him kindly and didn’t even question why he’d be interested in what was going on with Lily. She told him Lily was feeling unwell and Remus should have left it at that, everyone else would have, but something was nagging him at the back of his mind, and there was that sharp pinprick sensation somewhere around his stomach. 

His first thought was the library but then he abruptly changed course and headed for the girls’ bathroom instead. And sure enough, Lily was there, leaning against the sink, her arms crossed on her chest and her eyes closed. The door slammed shut behind him and she blinked at him, unfocused and confused. Remus hesitated. He’d never planned what he’d do once he’d found Lily. He was intruding. He must have trampled all over those boundaries and who knew what would happen now?

But Lily only gave him a tired smile, which didn’t quite reach her eyes but looked genuine enough. 

“Hi,” she said, 

“You’re upset,” Remus said before he could have thought it through. 

Lily looked down at the floor and sighed, before letting her arms fall to her sides. “It’s nothing,” she said and there was that determination in her voice which Remus had heard before, mostly when she was scolding his friends for being idiots, something he probably should have done himself but didn’t have the heart to. 

“Oh?”

Lily frowned at him and pursed her lips. “I’m not going to give you more ammunition to torment my best friend.” Her voice broke on the word _best_ , as if she wasn’t quite sure if this was the most appropriate adjective anymore. “You hate him enough as it is.”

 _Snape_. Remus bit the inside of his cheek and wondered how he could explain to her that he didn’t hate him, not exactly. Not that he loved him either but there was none of that childish hatred James and Sirius exhibited towards the Slytherin. 

“How about you tell me and I’ll simply listen?” He offered because Lily looked so broken and angry.

“It’s not important,” Lily muttered, picking at the hem of her skirt. “It was just a silly argument.”

“You missed Potions,” Remus pointed out. Lily nodded slowly but still hesitated. 

“He’s being an idiot,” she said, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. She was staring straight ahead, as if she couldn’t bring herself to face Remus as she was speaking. Remus didn’t mind. He propped himself on the sink next to her and made an encouraging sound.

“He thinks I shouldn’t be spending so much time with you. Or any time, really,” she added with an angry huff. “And he said all these awful things…” She trailed off, pressing her lips into a thin line. “He’s got a theory and he’s so determined to prove me he’s right, as if that matters, and I’m afraid of what he might do.”

“What theory?” Remus asked when it didn’t look like Lily was going to say anything more.

Lily bit her lip and shot him a furtive glance. “Doesn’t matter. What matters is that it’s none of his business but he’s so… _jealous_ and vindictive that he doesn’t care. It’s like he wants to destroy Potter and Black and everyone else is just collateral damage. Including me.”

Her lower lip wobbled and Remus hesitated for about half a second second before deciding this was not the time to overthink things. He wrapped his arm around Lily’s shoulders and she leaned into him immediately, inhaling deeply like she was trying not to cry.

 _Snape’s an idiot_ , Remus wanted to say. _He doesn’t deserve you_. But then again - neither did he. 

***

It wasn’t until early June that Remus finally noticed something had changed. It was the middle of the night and he was sitting on his bed, reading a book, when suddenly he realised the room was unusually quiet. Usually there was _something_ . Snoring, shuffling, the sound of Sirius bumping against the wall once again as he rolled over… Nothing. Not even the sound of breathing. The silence was almost unsettling. Remus set his book aside and sat up a bit straighter, listening for… _something_. But he had to come to terms with the fact that he was alone. Either that or they were all dead and the first explanation was just so much more realistic. 

Just as he was about to get out of bed, he heard steps getting closer and muffled laughter as the door opened. And then it dawned on him - this wasn’t the first time. They’d been going off without him for quite some time now, just the three of them. He waited for the guilt to set in or the feeling of betrayal but they never came. He wasn’t even sure he wanted to be part of whatever scheme they’d been cooking up. Not right now. He felt so removed from everything, he didn’t think he’d be able to pretend otherwise. 

The next morning, it finally registered that James was talking about Lily, must have been talking about her for a while, going by the world-weary expressions on Peter’s and Sirius’s faces. Finally, it looked like Sirius couldn’t take it anymore and he turned to Remus instead, cutting James off mid-sentence.

“What about you, Moony? Who’s the mystery girl you’ve been ditching us for?”

Suddenly, all the attention was on him. Even James shut up and stared at him, the beginnings of a smirk playing in the corners of his mouth. Remus didn’t like it one bit. 

It would be easy enough to explain, it wasn’t like they were doing anything wrong, except maybe it wouldn’t be. Because apparently James now fancied Lily and Remus did _not_ fancy playing the role of the cupid and he just _knew_ at least one of them (Sirius, it always was Sirius) would not believe him, or at least tease him relentlessly and he didn’t feel like enduring that. 

“I don’t know what you mean,” he tried, stabbing a piece of sausage with maybe a bit too much force. It shot off his plate and straight into Sirius’s half-eaten scrambled eggs. Sirius didn’t say anything, just raised an eyebrow pointedly, impaling the sausage on his fork and popping it into his mouth. Remus sighed and put his cutlery down.

“You ditched me first,” he muttered, painfully aware of how he sounded like a petulant child. “Why don’t we talk about how we’re going to be late for Herbology if you don’t hurry up?” 

“Spoilsport,” Sirius muttered, but dropped the subject. 

***

During one of their last Potions classes that year, Remus tore off a piece of parchment and scribbled down a neat line of digits. His mum was fascinated by the magical world, but she was also determined not to forget the one she’d grown up in. Which meant they had a telephone, and Remus had never really appreciated it enough until he was pressing the scrap of paper into Lily’s palm.

“Quicker than the owl,” he explained sheepishly, knowing that he was blushing. “If you ever need anything.”

Lily smiled gratefully and nodded. Then, in a move which had Remus stifling a laugh at how unexpected it was, she wrote something down at the margin of her textbook and tore the strip of paper off. 

“Same goes for you,” she said, slipping her phone number into Remus’s pocket. “Slughorn looks very confused,” she added, leaning over her cauldron and wrinkling her nose at the gurgling goo the colour of ripe plums.

Remus bit back a grin. “He probably thinks two of his best-behaved students have finally lost it and succumbed to the general insanity,” he said solemnly.

Lily started laughing at that - outright laughing, in the middle of Potions - and Slughorn shook his head like he considered them a lost cause now. Sirius and James were staring at them like they were worried Lily might have inhaled too much of the fumes coming out of the cauldron and Remus just didn’t care because she was giving him that look, like she thought he was something special and more worthy of her attention than everybody and everything else around them.

***

It wasn’t unusual for Remus to wake up in the middle of the night, pyjamas soaked with sweat and throat sore like he’d been screaming at the top of his lungs. That was the reason why he usually threw silencing charms on his bed. He rarely went back to sleep, partly out of fear but partly because he was wide awake and wouldn’t have been able to fall back asleep anyway. 

This time he didn’t even try. He picked the blanket up off the floor where he must have kicked it off and, wrapping it around his shoulders, tiptoed out of the room, careful not to wake anyone up. The rhythmic snoring that accompanied him as he did, proved that he had succeeded. The Common Room wasn’t empty like he’d expected. Remus didn’t realise it at first and it wasn’t until he was in the middle of the room that he noticed the dark hair pulled into a messy bun sticking out over the back of the couch. 

Before he could retreat unnoticed, Lily turned her head, her green eyes immediately fixing on Remus and his heart stopped when he noticed that they were glassy with tears. He didn’t need the blanket anymore, the room suddenly felt so hot like someone had started a fire right in his belly. 

“Sorry,” he mumbled, trying not to fidget, no matter how difficult it was. “I thought it was empty.”

He turned around to leave but Lily’s voice calling his name stopped him. 

“It’s ok,” she muttered and somehow made it sound like a plea. So Remus did the only right thing and sat down next to her on the couch. But once he was beside her, he hesitated, torn between wanting to help and not wanting to intrude. In the end, his desire to offer what little comfort he could won. 

“What’s wrong?” He asked in a low voice. 

Lily shrugged and shook her head. She was holding a crumpled letter, spots of ink smeared with her tears on the thick parchment. 

“My dad’s had a heart attack. He’s fine,” she added quickly. “I just…” Her voice broke and she started crying again. Remus didn’t need her to finish that sentence, he knew what she meant. It was awful, the sudden realisation that your parents weren’t immortal and that they could just disappear one day without a warning. Perhaps one day soon and you wouldn’t even be there to say goodbye.

He didn’t stop to think (and, inevitably, talk himself out of it) before tentatively wrapping his arm around Lily’s quivering shoulders. He wasn’t expecting her to just collapse against his chest, her fingers grasping at the back of his T-shirt, but he had no intention of pushing her away. 

It was quite different to that time he comforted her in the bathroom after her argument with Snape. Now she really was crying, her whole body shaking as she sobbed against Remus’s chest. He adjusted the blanket in his lap one-handedly, so that it also covered Lily, and she pulled her legs up onto the couch and shuffled even closer to him.

“I’m so scared, Remus,” she whispered, once she’d calmed down. She was still holding onto him, her face buried in the crook of his neck, as he stroked her back absent-mindedly. 

“I know,” he said, for lack of anything better to say. Lily raised her head and Remus wasn’t prepared for all the worry and _tenderness_ he saw in the emerald eyes, now red-rimmed and still filled with tears. 

“How do you cope with this?” She asked and this wasn’t right, this was hitting too close to home because talking about his mum meant talking about himself and after that he’d be just one tiny step away from talking about…

“Not very well,” he said, ignoring his brain screaming at him. 

“Can you…” she trailed off, biting her lip and glancing away before focusing back on his face. “Could you stay here with me for a bit? I don’t think I can stand being alone right now.” Her lower lip trembled and Remus had a hard time resisting the impulse to wipe away the single tear which had escaped and was making its way down Lily’s damp cheek. 

“Of course,” he agreed without thinking and pulled her to his chest, wrapping the blanket around her more securely. “As long as you like.” 

Peter found them asleep early the next morning. He gently shook Remus awake and didn’t ask any questions, despite the slightly puzzled look on his face. Remus wanted to explain but he didn’t know what to say and he suspected Peter understood better than he did anyway. He never asked him to keep quiet but he did all the same and Remus couldn’t help but feel relieved. He couldn’t look James in the eye for three days. 


	3. Chapter 3

James’s and Sirius’s laughter was the first thing Remus heard as he walked up the stairs leading to their dorm. It made his heart jump tiredly. He was two days late because the full moon had fallen on the very beginning of the school year. He couldn’t just walk out in the middle of the ceremony without drawing unwanted attention to himself. So he’d stayed at home a bit longer. This month had been especially hard on him and he could feel his muscles protesting as he moved, the stiff fabric of his trousers brushing against the fresh wound on his leg, which refused to heal properly. 

But then he pushed the door open and everything went quiet. He didn’t even mind the shooting pain in his whole body as someone collided with him. He smelled the familiar cologne and felt his muscles relax at how comforting it was, despite how odd hugging James now felt. They’d both grown over the summer - not so surprising at fifteen - and he could tell James was also struggling to get used to this new body. His shoulders were wider, Remus didn’t have to look to see that, and his grip was stronger but, other than that, he was still him.

Sirius stood behind him, arms crossed on his chest and shaking his head as he watched them, but the grin that threatened to split his face in half spoiled the effect.

“Come on, Prongs,” he complained. “Don’t I get to say hello too?”

“Nope,” James replied immediately but stepped back all the same. 

“ _Prongs_?” Remus repeated, latching onto the unfamiliar nickname, as Sirius took James’s place trying to squeeze the breath out of his lungs. “Have I missed something?”

Nobody said anything until Sirius pulled away. Remus caught the looks his two friends exchanged and he knew those. They usually meant there was something big coming up, something which would turn out to be either disastrous or amazing. Or sometimes both those things. 

“We’ve got a surprise for you,” James said after the silence dragged on for a beat too long. “Well, almost. But we will soon,” he added, as Remus frowned at him in growing befuddlement. 

“You’re going to love it,” Sirius added.

Remus would have asked what it was but there was that steely resolve in his friends’ eyes and he knew a charging ogre wouldn’t get them to budge. Besides, his stomach rumbled, reminding him he hadn’t eaten anything since the previous night. 

“Let’s get some food into you,” Sirius said, one hand on Remus’s back to get him to move.

***

“I’m a prefect,” Remus protested half-heartedly in a hushed whisper as they walked down the corridor towards the kitchen. “I’m supposed to make sure you _obey_ the rules not come along as you _break_ them.”

Sirius and James were both hiding under the invisibility cloak but Remus didn’t need to see them to know they both shrugged. He only hoped nobody bumped into him talking to himself. 

“You just got here,” James whispered back. “Besides, it’s for your own good.” 

They didn’t say anything else until they got to the kitchen. Remus really didn’t fancy being taken for a madman, seemingly chatting with the air or the castle walls as he strolled along the corridors in the middle of the night. 

“You’ll get to spend more time with Lily,” James said as they devoured steaks and mashed potatoes. “To be honest, I’m jealous.”

Sirius sniggered into his glass of juice. “He wouldn’t shut up about it. I spent an entire _month_ listening to his moaning.”

“You like my moaning,” James replied without missing a beat, wiggling his eyebrows at Sirius suggestively.

Remus opened his mouth to tell him Lily and he had already been spending a lot of time together, how the two of them failed to notice was beyond him, but then realised that maybe it wouldn’t be so easy to explain after all, and shoved a piece of steak into his mouth instead. 

Just before the summer holiday, he had given Lily his phone number, not really expecting her to call. But she did. It was one of those hot late July days when the air seemed too thick to inhale and you could smell the thunderstorm hanging in the air, almost there but not close enough. It went on for over a week and by the end of it Remus was exhausted. The phone rang late one evening, when Remus was still in bed, recovering from his transformation the previous night.

He could hear his mum answering it, the long pause as she seemed to hesitate. He got out of bed so quickly, he thought he might pass out. For a moment, he stood still, closing his eyes against the blood rushing in his ears, then made his way to the kitchen. 

“Oh, he’s up,” his mum said. Just her voice, calm and soothing, was enough to make him feel better. _Safe_ . Her eyes were sparkling with curiosity and Remus already knew who was calling, knew what she was probably thinking - _hoping_. She didn’t ask, not yet, simply handed him the receiver and disappeared, pressing a tender kiss to his cheek on her way out and sending him a tender, encouraging smile.

“Oh my God, Remus, it’s so _hot_ ,” Lily whined in reply to his _hello_. “I’m about to melt through the carpet. How are you?” She asked, a strange note in her voice, almost like concern.

“I haven’t melted yet,” he replied and she laughed. “And my mum’s made ice cream,” he added, glancing longingly in the direction of the freezer. “What have you been up to?”

She told him about reading every book she could get her hands on because she had nothing better to do. About Petunia’s new boyfriend and her mum’s strange obsession with making dresses for her daughters, despite not being able to sew a button on. About helping her dad wash their car every Sunday and spraying each other with water and baking cakes with her mum on Friday afternoons. 

And Remus listened with a fond smile, leaning heavily on the worktop because it really _was_ hot and every bone in his body _did_ still ache. He could picture Lily wearing a sundress, her long, thick hair pulled up, standing in her parent’s hallway and giggling happily as she told him about the weeks in which they hadn’t seen each other. And he realised with a painful pang that he _missed_ her. Perhaps more than he missed the nightly escapades and the pranks. 

Remus shook his head with a sigh, forcing himself to focus, before either of his friends could notice there was something off with him. 

“So how was it?” He asked, looking up at Sirius. “Spending most of the summer with _him_.” He nodded towards James, who put on a mock-hurt expression.

“Honestly? _Fun_ . There are so many stories you’ve _got_ to hear.” He paused, staring at his mostly empty plate thoughtfully. “His parents are so lovely. Especially his mum.”

There was something sad in James’s eyes when he glanced up at his best friend and Remus guessed it was probably mirrored in his own gaze. Sirius didn’t have the easiest time at home, it was no secret. Remus had his own problems but he also had parents who loved him more than anything in the world and would move mountains with their bare hands for him. Which was a feeling Sirius had never experienced and probably never would. At least not from his own parents.

“Umm...” Remus said as he suddenly realised something. “Where is Pete?”

James and Sirius exchanged glances then giggled. An honest to god _giggle_ . Remus stared at them blankly, wondering how he could have missed so much when he was only absent for _two days_. Two days and that was enough for him to feel lost and confused about what was happening.

“Probably somewhere with Susan. Oh you know,” Sirius added when he saw Remus’s puzzled look, “short dark hair, hazel eyes, killer legs, great boobs… Hufflepuff.”

“When did _that_ happen?” Remus asked, instantly forgetting about his dinner. Though only for a little while. The smell of food was hanging in the air, not particularly surprising in a kitchen, and his stomach was still growling. 

James shrugged. “That’s what we wanted to know too.”

“But the git disappeared before we could’ve asked,” Sirius added with a heavy sigh, propping his chin on his balled up fist. “We’ll catch him though. He’ll have to come back _someday_.”

They were silent as Remus and James finished their food, Sirius staring at the table with furrowed brows. _Lost in his thoughts_ wasn’t a normal look for him but it happened sometimes. Remus half-expected it when Sirius suddenly got up, his eyes brighter. 

“I’m going to the library,” he announced, making even James stare at him like he’d grown a second head.

“Want the cloak?” He asked, once he’d managed to compose his face into a more… polite expression.

“Nah, it’s fine,” Sirius assured, squeezing James’s shoulder. “You take it. Meet me you-know-where in… say twenty minutes?”

James shrugged. “Sure.”

Remus shoved the last of the potatoes into his mouth and looked up at James, crossing his arms on the table. “Any point in asking where you-know-where is?”

The smile told him all he needed to know even before James shook his head. 

“Hey, Remus, can I ask you something?” His voice was low and soft, like he was afraid someone might overhear.

“Anything,” Remus said and really meant it.

“Do you think there’s a chance Lily will ever like me? I don’t mean _l-love_ ,” he added quickly, stuttering, as his whole face turned red, which was at least unusual for him. “Just _like_ , nothing more than that.”

To say James wasn’t Lily’s favourite person would be a major understatement. But Remus still remembered sleepless nights when he was little and believing that nothing good could ever happen to him. And now here he was, in Hogwarts’ kitchen with one of his best friends. If there was one thing he’d learnt, it was that nothing was impossible, no matter how hopeless the situation might seem.

“Of course.”

James chewed on his bottom lip, looking down away from Remus. “You two are prefects. I don’t want to ask too much but maybe you could-”

“I’ll do my best,” Remus promised with a warm smile, not even letting James finish the question. He ignored the way his stomach squeezed at the thought of extolling James’s virtues to Lily. But James was an amazing friend and he deserved it. Unlike Remus… He shook his head as if it would dislodge the stubborn thoughts which kept getting more and more persistent as the time went by. What was wrong with him?

“Thank you,” James said, his whole face lightening up. “Just… _thank you_. This means the world to me.”

Remus watched James get up and walk towards the exit. He turned around suddenly, as if he just remembered something. “Give yourself twenty-four hours to rest. You can be all proper and boring tomorrow,” he said. The words were teasing but the concerned glow in his eyes was not and Remus found himself nodding before he could have considered it, his chest feeling considerably warmer.

***

It was already well past midnight when he returned to the Gryffindor tower but the Common Room wasn’t empty like he’d expected. It was highly unlikely that Lily had been waiting for him - how would she even know he wasn’t in bed like any normal human being should be at this time of night? - but he couldn’t help the pleasant jolt that went through him.

She was reading a book, looking rather bored and worn-out but she brightened up at the sight of him. The book fell to the floor with a thump but Remus couldn’t care less because suddenly he had his arms full of a laughing redhead. 

“I missed you,” Lily exclaimed. She had her arms wrapped around his neck as she hugged him tightly, which meant he had little choice about what to do with his. Her waist felt tiny, the fabric of her jumper soft. She smelt of honey and something flowery and Remus wished he never had to move again. 

“Is your mum feeling any better?” Lily asked. Her hands fell to his shoulders as she pulled back to look at him, but didn’t let him go. “I know that you missed the ceremony because she was ill.”

Remus bit his lip. “She…” he trailed off, not knowing how to finish that sentence. “She’s fine,” he said in the end. Because he didn’t know how to explain that she wasn’t and he really didn’t want to admit it. He suspected Lily understood without him having to say it. Her grip on his shoulders tightened and she pressed her body to his to hug him properly again.

 _Dying_ , Remus thought and had to close his eyes for a second because the room span around him suddenly. _She’s dying_.

He knew she was weaker than she wanted him to believe. He knew she would probably be dead by the time he’d graduated. He probably had known for a long time. He just didn’t let himself fully realise that. Not until the last full moon when he’d woken up to an empty room. Nobody there to stroke his hair and kiss his forehead. His father appeared in the doorway about half an hour later, ready to take care of the bruises and Remus had to fight the reflex to tell him to go away.

“Where’s mum?” He had asked before he could stop himself. _Why isn’t she here with me?_

He saw his father’s frown and that was all the answer he needed. “She’s resting,” he said in a low voice. Remus didn’t buy it for a second but he wasn’t an idiot to question his father’s words. And he was a coward who didn’t want to know how bad the truth really was. As long as he didn’t know, he could pretend he had no idea what was happening.

Lily pulled away to look at him again. “I...,” she she started saying, before trailing off, her bottom lip between her teeth. “If you ever need to talk…” She let the unfinished offer hang in the air between them and Remus was so grateful he felt like crying. Or maybe it was the exhaustion.

“Thank you,” he whispered. 

“Anytime. Well, since we’re prefects now,” she said, pausing for a second to gauge Remus’s reaction at the sudden change of topic. He sent her a relieved smile and nodded for her to go on. “I guess I should tell you what we’re supposed to be doing. Since you missed the first meeting.”

They moved to the couch, their sides pressed together comfortably as Lily told him about what he’d missed and Remus tried desperately to focus on her words instead of the fact that her hand was still on his arm.

“We should go to Hogsmeade together,” Lily said, as Remus was getting up, ready to wish Lily goodnight and go up to his dorm.

He pictured (not without some serious dread settling in his stomach) trying to get away from James and Sirius, because he still didn’t know how to tell them and it was silly and childish and Remus couldn’t help it. But the smile Lily gave him when he nodded was worth it. 

***

One week before the planned trip to Hogsmeade, Remus started dropping hints. Which didn’t achieve much. It was almost like nobody noticed them. Except maybe for Peter who kept looking at Remus like he was wondering what it was all about. He didn’t say anything though - maybe he drew his own conclusions - but it wasn’t really _his_ reaction Remus was worried about. Peter wouldn’t read too much into it, he was smart enough for that. And the lack of emotional investment in the whole thing didn’t hurt either. Well, nothing beyond the general loyalty towards James but he wasn’t ridiculously overprotective like Sirius tended to be.

At the breakfast before the day of the trip Remus somehow managed to feel both dread, excitement, and resignation, all at the same time. Lily’s hand brushed his shoulder on her way out of the Great Hall and, when he turned around to stare after her, she smiled at him. Cheeks on fire, Remus looked back to his friends so quickly he almost strained his neck, but James and Sirius were bent over something - a piece of parchment or a book, Remus couldn’t quite see because of the stack of pancakes smack in the middle of the table - and whispering excitedly. The good news was - he didn’t think they planned on going to Hogsmeade. Also, they didn’t seem to notice that Remus had been acting a bit odd recently.

Peter, on the other hand, was staring at him with wide eyes, like he couldn’t quite believe what he’d just seen. The back of Remus’s neck started burning too. He shook his head, hoping his expression looked threatening enough for Peter not to comment but he had the sinking feeling that all he managed was a panicked _deer-in-the-headlights_ look. He wondered if Peter was remembering the morning he found them asleep in the Common Room, Lily’s head pillowed on his chest and his arms wrapped around her.

“You alright there, Moony?” Sirius asked. He had his head cocked to the side and one eyebrow raised as he stared at Remus questioningly.

“Great,” he squeaked out, dropping his cutlery on top of his half-eaten eggs and sausages, and standing up too quickly to convince himself he was doing anything other than running away. “I just need to…” he gestured in the general direction of the exit and disappeared before anyone could ask questions he had no answer to, feeling three pairs of eyes staring at the back of his neck. 

He could have sworn Peter’s exasperated sigh was audible even in the Entrance Hall.

***

Lily was sitting in the almost empty Common Room, her green coat hung over the back of her armchair, and staring into the fireplace with a thoughtful expression. She smiled at him when he came closer and raised her eyebrow.

“You haven’t changed your mind?” She asked with a playful smirk.

“Was I supposed to?” He asked, genuinely puzzled.

Lily shrugged, still smiling. “I wasn’t sure if your _friends_ wouldn’t convince you to go off with them, blow something up.”

Remus laughed, almost against himself. “Despite the general belief, I’m not that keen on blowing stuff up.”

“You don’t seem to be particularly averse to it either,” Lily retorted, then changed the subject before Remus could think of a reply. “Go get your coat. I’ll wait here.”

“They’re not so bad, you know,” he said when he came back, quickly beginning to overheat in his probably too thick coat. “They can be idiots, but they’d do anything for their friends.”

Lily put her coat on and headed for the portrait. Remus thought she would just ignore the statement but she spoke again when they were walking down the empty corridor, away from the Gryffindor tower. 

“It’s not their friends I’m worried about. It’s everybody else.”

Remus had no response to that. 

***

“Three Broomsticks?” Remus asked as they neared the town. 

Lily wrinkled her nose in an annoyingly adorable way which Remus most definitely did _not_ notice. “How about we go for a walk?” 

Remus raised his eyebrows and tried to look disapproving. It was rather difficult, considering how he could feel the corners of his mouth twitching. Lily must have noticed it too because she sent him a brilliant smile, before grabbing his hand and pulling him along, off the main road. Remus’s heart jumped and he swallowed with difficulty against the desert in his throat. 

Lily’s chestnut hair was sticking to her coat in damp clumps but her hand in his felt warm and reassuring. The rain wasn’t heavy, just the steady autumn drizzle, so typical of Scotland. Remus was crazy enough to love it, perhaps because it wasn’t often that he got to feel cool rain on his skin. He had spent a good part of his life locked up in his room, so that everything he experienced felt new and exciting. Especially when he could share it with someone else.

“Where are we going?” He asked after a while, when Lily had led them away from the groups of students rushing to Hogsmeade and its warm and dry shops. 

Lily shrugged and slowed down to a leisurely crawl, but still didn’t let go of his hand. He was immensely grateful for that because he was beginning to realise that he needed that warmth and comfort that another person’s touch could bring, after the last full moon without his mum’s constant presence there for him when he woke up. 

“The long way round,” Lily said and flashed him a smile. “I love this place. There’s something so… _magical_ about it. You know what I mean?”

Remus frowned. Lily carried on, undeterred by his reaction. “In spring, there are so many colourful flowers on that hill,” she said, raising their joined hands to gesture vaguely to their left. “When we were little, Petunia and I would pick flowers from our garden and make flower crowns.” Her expression changed slightly, something wistful creeping in. It was barely noticeable and the only reason why Remus saw it was because he’d been staring at Lily, trying to catch every word, even the unspoken ones. “Mum would pretend to be angry but you could see that she was delighted. She’d sometimes bring the prettiest flowers and put them in our hair.” 

Now it was Remus’s turn to smile sadly. His mum had been his rock for so long, the steady source of comfort, the one person who’d never abandon him… How much longer would she be there for him? He didn’t even want to picture it and yet he hadn’t been able to stop ever since the day he’d woken up to an empty room. 

“That sounds lovely,” he said quietly, glancing down at the muddy grass beneath their feet. He could tell Lily was looking at him but he didn’t find the strength to raise his gaze. He didn’t know what she found in his face but she squeezed his hand briefly before picking up the pace. 

“Come on, let’s go somewhere warm. Do you think they’ve got hot chocolate at Three Broomsticks?” 

***

They did end up at Three Broomstick, leaving a damp path behind themselves as they made their way to an empty table. Lily had dark spots under her eyes, where her mascara had smeared, and Remus’s trousers were clinging to his legs in a way that was highly unpleasant but had a rather strange effect on him. He felt… carefree. Like the late September rain had washed away all the stress and worries that had been bothering him for years.

The one thing he should probably have worried about was the rather small chance of running into his friends, which would definitely lead to some very awkward conversations later, but even that couldn’t spoil his good mood. They got butterbeer and sat across from each other, leaning over the table to talk about their families, and the awful Charms essays they had to write, and that time when Peter got so fed up with Sirius constantly pranking him that he put some snails he’d found during Herbology class in his bed and poor James ended up sitting on them.

Lily laughed at his stories and listened attentively when he talked about his favourite Muggle books. As if she was truly interested in what he was saying, because she wanted to get to know him better, and that wasn’t something Remus got to experience often. Usually, people either tried to get close to him in order to get close to one of the other guys - Sirius, usually, who seemed not to care most of the time, even though he revelled in the attention - or when they needed his help with something. 

He wasn’t a very open person - for good reasons - but with Lily he found himself having to actually bite his tongue in order not to give himself away. Even though he wasn’t convinced she’d react the way most people would, with disgust and hatred, she was way too kind for that, but he couldn’t risk it. There was no point risking it. 


End file.
